My Religious History (Part4)

Did you know that there was a mini-Baby Boom in 2002? Many people, shaken by the events of September 11 th, presumably, re-evaluated their lives and decided to start a family. I guess we were a part of that.

Everyone tells you how hard and awful pregnancy is -how terrible you feel, how tired, you get puffy and your feet swell and then, of course there's labor! So I felt terrible. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to feel that terrible. Or when the whole puffiness thing was supposed to happen.

Week 26 - We went away to the beach for the 4th of July week with some friends who were also expecting (and our jet-setter friend too.) On July 4th I felt completely awful and had a terrible tightening pain across my chest. At Hubby's insistence I called my OB/GYN from the beach, just as we put the hamburgers on the grill. Dr. Pope said she'd really like me to go to the local hospital and get checked out. Tiny resort town hospital checked me out and talked to my doctor in Atlanta and decided that we should drive straight through to our hospital in Atlanta - no stopping. Wonderful Hubby drove through the night, I laid on my left side in the back of our station wagon. We arrived very early in the morning and I was admitted.

I have to say that all of this was very fuzzy, I was very sick. Its called HELLP syndrome and its a relative of pre-eclampsia. Basically high blood pressure was squeezing my liver and untreated means seizures, coma, death. The treatment is to deliver the baby.

The doctors looked through the ultrasound and asked if we knew what the gender was. We had wanted to know but this baby, whom we'd nicknamed Momotaro (the Peach Boy) was bashful and always had its legs closed. "Well, you've had so many bad surprises today, I let you have this good surprise later". As they prepped me for an Emergency C-section, Hubby and I decided on a name, prayed, kissed and cried.

When I returned from the c-section Lillian was in the level 3 NICU. I was on heavy anti-seizure medication and was unable to see her for several days. She was 1 lb. 9 oz. but holding her own.
And Hubby was my rock.

I got better, went home and pumped milk for her. We were lucky in that we only lived 7 miles away so we could go visit her. She lived in her Isolet for three weeks before her tiny body was wracked by an infection. The nurse baptised her and then our pastors came and baptised her again and anointed her with oil. She died. We got to hold her for the first time. And we went home without our baby. That was four years ago, tomorrow.

Its interesting how different people react to such a thing. Hubby was glad to have me and to have had some time with our daughter. We had learned a lot about her in those three weeks. She had eyelashes and fingernails, dark hair like me, was feisy and kicked her tiny feet. She could wear his wedding ring as a bangle bracelet. He threw himself into work and into church.

I was numb and sad and angry. Where do you direct your anger? Where do you place blame? Maybe at the doctors who maybe should have seen how badly my pregnancy was going (wonderful doctors, I don't blame them)? Perhaps I was at fault since my health was not optimal to have a baby (but women of all shapes and sizes get HELLP)? No, I directed my anger at God.

But you have to believe in Him to be angry with Him, don't you? We went to church each week (Hubby insisted) and I cried through the service. I went to a support group and to grief counseling. Someone suggested the Lamentation Psalms. I went back to work and found a substitute for my Lapsit Baby program. Fall passed, my friend had her healthy baby girl, Advent arrived. I never realized how powerful Advent is until that year. Advent is about the anticipation of a child, but not just a child. It is the anticipation of a great hope.

Hubby started to attend night classes that spring at the local seminary. I joined the PW and a pottery class at the Rec department. We were table parents at Church Night and did the kid's Lenten classes. Hubby started to talk about seminary, I started to talk about a new baby. And we prayed.